Tag Archives: Brothers

Maayra – Should This Continue?

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I am proud of what I did last week.

My niece (brother’s daughter) was getting married.  We have a tradition called ‘Maayra’ in our community where the bride’s maternal uncle  (maama) offers valuable gifts to his sister (bride’s mother) and her daughter (bride).  This basically is with an intention to contribute towards the wedding expenses.

Taking the bride’s mother in confidence, I approached her brother with a request:  “In this marriage, if you approve, we’d like to do away with the tradition of Maayra”

After consulting his family members, maama said that they were fine with that. But in turn, would also like to not have related formalities like ‘Bathhisi’ and ‘Saama Levna’. These are small functions where the sister symbolically invites her brother’s family to the wedding.

Since our side of the family was okay with this, the entire Maayra and related programs were eliminated from the wedding.

Now imagine this.  If this maama has 6 sisters and each of the sisters has 2 or 3 children, the maama will have to offer gifts at each of these weddings – let’s say on about 15 occasions. It just does not end there.  He will also be a part of the Maayra, though on a smaller scale, at the weddings of each child of each niece as ‘Bad Maayerdar’.  Some of the maamas will probably spend a good portion of their lifetime-earnings in Mayraas.

Though this tradition is prevailing since ages, it has become irrelevant in the present time, as the disparity between the rich and the poor has increased widely. In cases where the Maama can afford, they can follow this tradition.  But it sets, a keep up with the Joneses syndrome, or an inferiority complex of sorts, for those who cannot afford it financially.

In cases where the Maama cannot afford, he begs, borrows, pledges his jewelry or property just to fulfill this tradition.  Rates of interest for such borrowings are normally so high that he is sure to be doomed under the burden of paying just the interest.

Is this a fair tradition in the present day situation?

I feel proud that all the Maayra formalities were  eliminated atleast in this wedding. I wish others are inspired and follow similar steps for reform in Society.

Writer  : Badri Baldawa

Editor  : Meeta Kabra

Support, But Do Not Spoil

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Just like I was  looking for moral and financial support when I started my career, many youngsters need support from people who are established. I have been an active participant in trying to provide similar assistance and support, to the best of my means and limitations, for the last 20 years.  It is a pleasure to share a couple of experiences I learnt out of my experiences on matters of financial assistance.

Majority of the people who seek help come with genuine repayment plans and fulfill their commitments on time.  It is always a pleasure extending support to persons with such an attitude. If the loan is for commercial purposes, there is nothing wrong for the lender to have a fair return, as the objective of the loan was to earn money.

If the loan is for an essential nature, I consider providing assistance ‘free of interest’ as getting them out of the financial strain is an adequate satisfaction.  But the borrower should realise that the lender has given the help depriving himself of the earnings that he otherwise would earn on that amount.

However, I have experienced that this ‘interest free’ tag has a  negative effect.   In such cases, the borrower instead of being grateful for receiving concessions, unfortunately, feels that it was his ‘right’ to have received that assistance.  In certain cases it was taken for granted as a gift.  Besides the borrower conveniently takes the repayment of interest-free loan as a last priority, as it doesn’t cost him to delay the repayments.  In most of the cases, the borrower avoids talking to lender as he considers it is the duty of the lender to ask for money.  In some cases, because of the relationship in question, the lender does not talk about it, converting “good money” to “bad money”.

Who is responsible for this?  The borrower?  No. My experience says, it is the me the lender’s fault, for very many reasons.

  • First of all, the loan given was emotion-based and not merit based
  • Secondly,  I mis-judged the borrower, in his attitude
  • Thirdly, I reduced the value of money, by giving the loan interest free
  • Fourthly, if the loan was given for non-essential purposes, I helped the borrower in  investing the funds for non-productive purposes.

Thus I was the one who spoiled them.  I could have been wiser in taking the borrower in confidence by explaining that I value my relationship with him and wish to avoid misunderstandings in future citing Shakespeare, “neither a lender nor a borrower be.”

Had I said a firm “No” and avoided getting emotional, I could have saved them and their deterioration in quality of attitude.  Above all I could have retained my relations with them!

Written: Badri Baldawa

Edited: Meeta Kabra

What Next – A Dilemma

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On certain occasions in life you are at a dilemma – do I satisfy my desires or take overall responsibilities.  At such points, it is essential to curb our feelings for the larger good. To do what I really want to do would surely give me pleasure. But the pleasure I would get in fulfilling the desires of the entire family would be incomparable.  If I have an opportunity to get ‘incomparable pleasure’, why should I get satisfied with just ‘pleasure’?

In 1965, I appeared for B.Com exams and was contemplating what was best for me to do thereafter.  I had to decide whether to join business or go for a job or pursue further studies. The ground reality was that we were ten brothers and four sisters.  Except one sister who was married, the others were younger to me.  They needed to be educated, married and ultimately settle in their career. There was always a financial crunch at home – even for essential day to day needs.  We desperately needed regular income in the family.

I always wanted to run my own business and I had the confidence that I had acumen for it. It could then be debated – why did I not join dad’s mining business?  The mining business was not giving returns.  To make it profitable, processes needed to be mechanised for which an investment of Rs.15-20 crores was needed.  We did not have adequate sources nor securities to get the large funds to run the mining business.

The maximum financial help I was offered was enough to set up a grocery shop – a very common business occupation at that time. Though business could give better earnings, there was no guarantee of any fixed minimum returns.  A single wrong decision in business could ruin the dreams of the entire family.  It was too big a risk for me to take.  I had to play a safer game.  Therefore to ensure that all the family members are taken care of, I decided against setting up a business.

The other option was to study further which would result in a further financial burden. The family would continue to struggle for at least 3-4 additional years.

Employment gives regular assured income.  It was better to go for assured income by doing a job.  At any later time, as and when I saw the family settling down, I could take the risk of fulfilling my dream of experimenting with my own business. Under the circumstances, I was convinced that doing a job would be the thing to do.  It was a compromise and of course, not a very happy situation to be in. I was still in dilemma

Just then, the results of my final B.Com were declared.  I had secured the top rank in the University.  After getting the results, I went home, took my mother’s blessings and headed to the office room.  I missed my dad.  He was away on one of his trips to the mines. By this time, a few of our family, friends and neighbours who had heard of my results had already collected in the office with a garland to honour me. One common question was,  “Badri, what do you want to do next?”  True, I now had to take a final decision.

I was blessed with a surprise.  My dad had unexpectedly returned from his trip and entered the office, full of well-wishers.  He was not aware of my results.  He heard it from the people already collected there.  I could read his face.  He was a proud father. As if the garland was waiting for my dad.  He picked it up and garlanded me.  What an honour!

The same question was asked again, “what next?” I was still confused.  Before I could answer, dad answered.  “With such bright results, what other option would he prefer other than to take the family responsibility after me.”  I was happy that dad had come to my rescue and took a decision for me.

Dad looked at me and continued “Beta, you study as much as you want.  No limits.  Leave it to me, I will handle the affairs at home. You don’t have to worry about the expenses.   I have energy and strength to take care of all of that. If you study now, you can take care of the family tomorrow!”  I was lucky to have such a dad!

A very sensitive occasion for me.  My dilemma was no more.  I got what I ultimately wanted.  Study further.  I thought for a while, I could continue study now and still earn later with higher status and earnings.  But if I went for a steady income now, it would be very difficult to go for studies later on.

It therefore was decided that I would go for further studies as long as dad had energy.This was the opportunity to show my worth in studies and then take up the challenge of supporting the entire family.  It also reminded me: in business I might earn, but it would be temporary because there can always be losses. But if I acquire knowledge, it would be my permanent asset and I would never lose it. That asset would help me later, whether I go for employment or business.

Vidya Dhanam Sarwa Dhana Pradhanam.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Editor: Meeta Kabra

Joint Family Culture – An Experiment:

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“Get married, stay independently and live your life.” – A message to all my brothers.  In the 70s, such a statement was considered revolutionary, at least in our Marwari community!

Joint family structure has the advantage of members sharing each others’ responsibility. It also means that all members have equal rights on the total income made in the family, irrespective of the each one’s ability to contribute.

Gradually, with higher education, wider options of living standards, and modern lifestyle, slightest lethargy by any member wasn’t tolerated by those who contributed better to the family, especially financially.  Even things like disparity in number of children and ratio of employed children, decided the status of a person in the family. With this, the ‘let go’ attitude and emotional factors started eroding to a large extent.

This created a class differentiation within a family. For some time they tried to suppress a lot of their individual desires. These suppressions accumulated and in course of time, burst into anger, frictions, and fights within the family.

Obviously, it started creating more conflicts and misunderstandings, ultimately leading to divisions in the family, with bitter arguments.  The joint family concept started eroding at a fast rate. Even the large and absolutely rich brothers amongst  families like Birla-Bangurs, Ambanis could not stay together.

In our own family in 1960s, two sensible, intelligent and experienced ladies would start fighting for no reason. We ultimately split but there was a surprise pleasant discovery for me.  After the division, the grudges between the two women disappeared very fast. Love and affection got prime importance, once again.  One wanted to help the other, even if it meant going out of way.

I learnt a lesson.  It is better to keep a little distance to maintain good relations.

I was about 27 years old when my dad passed away. I have 6 brothers and 4 sisters (3 unmarried at that time). If my dad’s family stayed together, we would’ve been about 25-30 members under one roof – each, obviously with their independent opinion.  Even if there were cordial relations, a divide amongst brothers would’ve been eventually, unavoidable.

The question then was if one should wait till misunderstandings develop, then fight and separate? I therefore thought, it was definitely better to stay separate from the beginning, well before frictions develop and thus retain the love and affection between the family members.

I resolved that I should take my father’s responsibility to educate, support and set-up my brothers to a stage, from where they can lead their own life. My aim was for every brother to have his independence in running his family.  At the same time there should be cordial relation, love, and affection amongst us. It was a challenge for me to devise the right formula.

It was easier for rich and industrialist families to resolve this: Divide the assets; give each of them nice places to stay; allocate enough finance and provide a base to carry on business for their future.  But the reality were different for me.  Assets were zero, bank balance zero, properties zero and the business, a big zero too.

However I was determined to go with my philosophy to the best of my abilities.

  • Accept responsibility. In the absence of my father, fulfilling my own requirements would not be my priority, till I complete my responsibilities towards educating and settling my brothers and marrying my sisters.
  • Prefer a job over business. Given my situation, limited but assured income was better than having own business where income might be larger but uncertain.
  • It would be in everyone’s interest that I draw a line until which I should shoulder my brothers’ responsibilities. I should support till they get married and have a house of their own. Thereafter each brother should stay independently and live their own life.
  • Initially since all of them might not have enough funds to buy a house, to those who need,  I would extend them financial support to the extent it was possible for me.  Any financial help would be a loan. This was so that they respect the value of money and so that they and their children could say it is ‘our own house’ instead of ‘tauji’s house’.
  • Since a home is an essential, to avoid undue financial burden in the initial stages of carrier, the loan would be interest free.

With the implementation of the above, every one was forced to realise his responsibility and be prepared to standby for anyone who needed help. There were hardly any arguments between brothers or their families.  Every one was at liberty to decide what is best for their individual family, without any interference from others.

In today’s lifestyle, even two married brothers staying together may not be practical. When I look back today, “once married, stay independently” was the right way to go between brothers. I am happy that my decision wasn’t proven wrong.

Written: Badri Baldawa                         Edited:  Meeta Kabra