Tag Archives: Wedding

How Reliable is Horoscope Compatibility For Wedding

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My dad’s older brother called, “we have reference for a boy from a well-reputed family in Sangli-Madhavnagar.  Bhageerathi’s horoscope matches his, 35 out of the maximum possible 36 aspects (gunas) match.” Bhageerathi was my most beloved younger sister.

The practice of matching horoscope, called ‘kundli milan’,  before marriage has been a very integral part of a Hindu marriage.

For kundlis (horoscopes) to match, parents consult an astrologer to assess the zodiac compatibility even before the boy and girl meet each other.  A match of atleast 26 aspects/points is considered essential.  It is believed, that this matching indicates how well the couple would get along together.  Obviously therefore, higher the match count, better and longer are prospects of their happy lives together.

We were all very happy to have found a boy to match 35 out of 36 counts for Bhageerathi. Shortly thereafter, in 1963, they were married.  About 2-3 years into the marriage, they were blessed with a daughter.  The year after, Bhageerathi passed away in an accident.

This raises a question.  Can the tradition of matching horoscopes be trusted?

Sure, in Hindu families reading horoscopes and making decisions based on the radings is a respected and accepted practice. However, the accuracy of the reading depends on exact time of birth. For any reason, if the time of birth is not accurately recorded, the entire horoscope could be incorrect.  Further, it is after all an individual who interprets the horoscope.  The reading depends on the depth of knowledge of the person preparing and interpreting it.

Certainly something had gone wrong in matching Bhageerathi’s horoscope.  Otherwise would she not be able to enjoy a long, married life after a match count of 35 out of 36?

There were instances where a boy and a girl liked and loved each other immensely.  When they were to get married, their horoscopes did not match and they were forced to forget each other. There were cases where priority was given to horoscope compatibility rather than personalities. Isn’t it unfair?

Should we deprive those who love each other just because of horoscope readings? Should this tradition be encouraged?  Certainly not…………I feel.

Written : Badri Baldawa

Edited  : Meeta Kabra

 

Family Culture: East is East, West is West

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Mid night Sun at Nord Cape 25 July 1983

July 1983. My wife and I were on our first of the three trips so far to the Northern most regions of the earth.   We were on our way to watch the midnight Sun. We were travelling by train from Copenhagen, Denmark to Oslo, Norway.

Mid night Sun at Nord Cape 25 July 1983

Mid night Sun at Nord Cape 25 July 1983

Other than us, there was one more passenger in our train cabin.  He must’ve been around 70 and was from Holland.  He was on a vacation.  He left home by a vanity van, which had all the luxuries one expects in an apartment.  He parked his van at Copenhagen before boarding the train for visiting the various islands in Norway for a 45-day trip.  In the Second World War, he was injured and one of his legs had to be amputated.   He was living with his wife on a decent pension.

In a couple of hours, we became friendly and I asked why his wife was not accompanying him on the vacation.  He said:  “Yes.  That’s how it was planned initially.  But on the day we were to leave, my wife fell ill and I left by myself. “

Look at this unimaginable situation.   Just because his wife fell ill, he left her alone.  Instead of staying back to help his ailing wife, he preferred to go ahead with his long vacation without her.   He could have easily waited for her to recover as it would not have made too much of a difference. He was traveling by road and had his accommodation in his own van.

Though this action was normally acceptable in their society, I am wondering whether we would have done the same thing in our part of the world!

Experienced and Written By: Badri Baldawa

Edited By : Meeta Kabra

Maayra – Should This Continue?

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I am proud of what I did last week.

My niece (brother’s daughter) was getting married.  We have a tradition called ‘Maayra’ in our community where the bride’s maternal uncle  (maama) offers valuable gifts to his sister (bride’s mother) and her daughter (bride).  This basically is with an intention to contribute towards the wedding expenses.

Taking the bride’s mother in confidence, I approached her brother with a request:  “In this marriage, if you approve, we’d like to do away with the tradition of Maayra”

After consulting his family members, maama said that they were fine with that. But in turn, would also like to not have related formalities like ‘Bathhisi’ and ‘Saama Levna’. These are small functions where the sister symbolically invites her brother’s family to the wedding.

Since our side of the family was okay with this, the entire Maayra and related programs were eliminated from the wedding.

Now imagine this.  If this maama has 6 sisters and each of the sisters has 2 or 3 children, the maama will have to offer gifts at each of these weddings – let’s say on about 15 occasions. It just does not end there.  He will also be a part of the Maayra, though on a smaller scale, at the weddings of each child of each niece as ‘Bad Maayerdar’.  Some of the maamas will probably spend a good portion of their lifetime-earnings in Mayraas.

Though this tradition is prevailing since ages, it has become irrelevant in the present time, as the disparity between the rich and the poor has increased widely. In cases where the Maama can afford, they can follow this tradition.  But it sets, a keep up with the Joneses syndrome, or an inferiority complex of sorts, for those who cannot afford it financially.

In cases where the Maama cannot afford, he begs, borrows, pledges his jewelry or property just to fulfill this tradition.  Rates of interest for such borrowings are normally so high that he is sure to be doomed under the burden of paying just the interest.

Is this a fair tradition in the present day situation?

I feel proud that all the Maayra formalities were  eliminated atleast in this wedding. I wish others are inspired and follow similar steps for reform in Society.

Writer  : Badri Baldawa

Editor  : Meeta Kabra

What Next – A Dilemma

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On certain occasions in life you are at a dilemma – do I satisfy my desires or take overall responsibilities.  At such points, it is essential to curb our feelings for the larger good. To do what I really want to do would surely give me pleasure. But the pleasure I would get in fulfilling the desires of the entire family would be incomparable.  If I have an opportunity to get ‘incomparable pleasure’, why should I get satisfied with just ‘pleasure’?

In 1965, I appeared for B.Com exams and was contemplating what was best for me to do thereafter.  I had to decide whether to join business or go for a job or pursue further studies. The ground reality was that we were ten brothers and four sisters.  Except one sister who was married, the others were younger to me.  They needed to be educated, married and ultimately settle in their career. There was always a financial crunch at home – even for essential day to day needs.  We desperately needed regular income in the family.

I always wanted to run my own business and I had the confidence that I had acumen for it. It could then be debated – why did I not join dad’s mining business?  The mining business was not giving returns.  To make it profitable, processes needed to be mechanised for which an investment of Rs.15-20 crores was needed.  We did not have adequate sources nor securities to get the large funds to run the mining business.

The maximum financial help I was offered was enough to set up a grocery shop – a very common business occupation at that time. Though business could give better earnings, there was no guarantee of any fixed minimum returns.  A single wrong decision in business could ruin the dreams of the entire family.  It was too big a risk for me to take.  I had to play a safer game.  Therefore to ensure that all the family members are taken care of, I decided against setting up a business.

The other option was to study further which would result in a further financial burden. The family would continue to struggle for at least 3-4 additional years.

Employment gives regular assured income.  It was better to go for assured income by doing a job.  At any later time, as and when I saw the family settling down, I could take the risk of fulfilling my dream of experimenting with my own business. Under the circumstances, I was convinced that doing a job would be the thing to do.  It was a compromise and of course, not a very happy situation to be in. I was still in dilemma

Just then, the results of my final B.Com were declared.  I had secured the top rank in the University.  After getting the results, I went home, took my mother’s blessings and headed to the office room.  I missed my dad.  He was away on one of his trips to the mines. By this time, a few of our family, friends and neighbours who had heard of my results had already collected in the office with a garland to honour me. One common question was,  “Badri, what do you want to do next?”  True, I now had to take a final decision.

I was blessed with a surprise.  My dad had unexpectedly returned from his trip and entered the office, full of well-wishers.  He was not aware of my results.  He heard it from the people already collected there.  I could read his face.  He was a proud father. As if the garland was waiting for my dad.  He picked it up and garlanded me.  What an honour!

The same question was asked again, “what next?” I was still confused.  Before I could answer, dad answered.  “With such bright results, what other option would he prefer other than to take the family responsibility after me.”  I was happy that dad had come to my rescue and took a decision for me.

Dad looked at me and continued “Beta, you study as much as you want.  No limits.  Leave it to me, I will handle the affairs at home. You don’t have to worry about the expenses.   I have energy and strength to take care of all of that. If you study now, you can take care of the family tomorrow!”  I was lucky to have such a dad!

A very sensitive occasion for me.  My dilemma was no more.  I got what I ultimately wanted.  Study further.  I thought for a while, I could continue study now and still earn later with higher status and earnings.  But if I went for a steady income now, it would be very difficult to go for studies later on.

It therefore was decided that I would go for further studies as long as dad had energy.This was the opportunity to show my worth in studies and then take up the challenge of supporting the entire family.  It also reminded me: in business I might earn, but it would be temporary because there can always be losses. But if I acquire knowledge, it would be my permanent asset and I would never lose it. That asset would help me later, whether I go for employment or business.

Vidya Dhanam Sarwa Dhana Pradhanam.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Editor: Meeta Kabra

Mother’s Ring Speaks

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75 years ago, my mother got married.  She got a stone studded ring as a wedding gift from dad.  Both the families were well-reputed and reasonably placed economically at that time.  But luck has its own agenda and things changed. My parents wanted me to study but ran short of funds. Around 1963, they pledged the ring, for a loan of Rs. 450 against it, at a rate of 3% monthly interest cumulative. That’s how I could complete my education. I wasn’t aware of this loan. I accidentally found the pawnbroker’s note a couple of years later.

I completed my education in 1968 and got a job at a handsome salary of Rs.720 per month. Over a period of 5-6 years, the loan with compounded interest accrued to Rs.2,200. A new ring like that one could then be purchased for about Rs.1,100.  My parents must’ve even forgotten the matter by this time.  Anyway, financially it did not make sense to release the ring from the clutches of the moneylender.  However, from my accrued initial savings, I got the ring released, as it was invaluable for mom.  When I surprised mom with the ring, she could not believe it, tears rolled down and she sobbed for quite a while, probably for the unexpected surprise of getting back an invaluable item of sentimental value.

I lost my mother on Akshaya Trithiya, 24 April 2012, exactly two years ago.  When her ornaments were distributed to her children, I preferred to retain just that stone studded ring my dad had given to mom at their wedding.

I was holding that ring today. The Ring started speaking. What the Ring said could hold true for anyone.

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“Parents try their best to bring their children up, within affordable means and facilities available to them. They disciplined, gave pleasure, taught culture according to what they thought was best for you, from their point of view.  It was all selfless and nothing was expected in return.”

The Ring continued to speak:  “Forget not, you are holding your present status mainly due to the support of your parents, for which they pledged their wedding ring and even mangalsutra.  They preferred to remain hungry to ensure that you are fed.

To value the care they had taken, wasn’t it your duty to have spent some more time with them to share and talk about things of their interest? Did you not deprive them of the respect and facilities they deserved, forgetting that they sacrificed all their life for your development?”

The ring was true. I lost my father early in my life.  While my mother was alive, every day, I thought I would shortly be free; retire from my business and spend some time with her.

Occasionally, I probably considered that spending time with parents was unproductive, boring, waste of time and even disgusting.  Sometimes, I probably thought the parents were rigid and argued on matters irrelevant to the present environment.  Why did I get these types of feelings about the people, who spent their whole life to bring me up, educate me and support me in building my career?

They were the ones who were next to me whenever I was ill; they were the ones who sacrificed their desires, just to ensure that my desires get fulfilled.

I probably failed to understand that as my parents were advancing in age, their level of energy and enthusiasm would reduce and they might not catch up with new lifestyle.  I probably failed to give credit that they were more mature, better experienced and have higher understanding, without which they could not have guided me all through my life. I probably failed to appreciate that they had right to feel proud for whatever they have gone through to shoulder the family responsibilities so far. Silly, that I confused that as their ego. I probably had forgotten that they had already proven themselves while I still had to prove myself.

What a wrong notion I carried that I am extra smart.  In fact, my parents sacrificed everything for me and still they honoured and appreciated me for whatever little I did.  Alas, when my turn came to serve and honour them, I missed the golden opportunity to avail the win-win situation. Had I done that I would have lost nothing.  I repent today.

Oh, my dear Mother’s Ring.  Thank you for speaking out.  Let me see whether I can at least express gratefulness to the living elders “for whatever they have done” and show them that “I care for you and your feelings”.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Editor: Meeta Kabra

Affordable Traditions

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“This is the marriage season, I will be very busy”, said a neighborhood moneylender. How do weddings make a lender busy?

Did you get it?

Weddings obviously mean business to many like caterers, decorators, jewelers, etc.  We missed out another category of businessmen who look forward to the wedding season – The moneylender.

The affluent lay down certain traditions to show-off their prosperity.  In the process, probably they do not realise the quantum of damage they cause to society.

A practical example.  In our town, at any wedding, the entire community was invited for three full course meals. ‘Sigree noota’ – all the members in every family were on the invite list. This translated to 200-250 people on two of these meals and 400 people for one of them because people from the neighbouring townships were also invited.

Funnily enough, for those who could not attend, a parcel to their home! Obviously, these meals mean a lot of money.  Someone who probably wanted to boast about his wealth must have started this and with time this became tradition.

Those who did not have adequate sources of income, also had to host three meals.  They were worried that if they failed to host 3 meals they would be looked down upon by the community. Their fear was valid.

Whenever invited by the affluent class, even the members of the low income profile families would go for the dinner.  Not attending was considered as an unfriendly act. Once they went, it was understandably difficult to avoid inviting when there was a wedding at their own home – an endless chain.

Think of the amount of harm this tradition caused.  Those who could not afford, borrowed money.  Some sold or pledged their homes to finance the meals.  A few had to convince their wife and daughters-in-law to sell or pledge their ornaments and jewelry.

Obviously, loans from banks was not available for weddings.  Therefore, they had to borrow from private lenders. The maximum amount a moneylender would lend would be about half the value of the property pledged. An additional condition was that if the loan was not repaid before the amount accumulates to the total value of the property, the owner lost his right to the house or the jewelry.  The interest on private borrowing was anything from 24% to 36% (usually monthly compounded) per year.  This means over a period of 2 to 3 years, the amount repayable would double.  In short, within 2-3 years if the loan was not repaid, hard earned pledged items became the lender’s property.

Why? What is the root cause?  Is it just to maintain a tradition in the society? Will the society for whom this has been done come to his rescue? No. Just forget it, they would be busy gossiping!

The irony is it hardly made any difference to the guests, but the host was doomed. It wouldn’t be surprising if, in certain cases, it led to suicides. What is the point of following such traditions? Inspite of knowing the consequences, no one dared to amend or rectify.

Justification : “why should I be the first one to defy tradition?  Let someone else take the blame”.

Solution?

If we can sensibly act.  For example, at my wedding in 1971, we were reasonably better placed financially and could have managed to host 3 meals easily.  For me, this was an opportunity.  I explained the above consequences to my dad.  He was well aware of such unnecessary burden on some people in the community.

I suggested “Kakaji, why not we restrict the wedding celebration by hosting just one dinner? Let us take the blame for curtailing this tradition and the change could save someone”. My dad was in favor of a positive change in the society and he readily agreed.

Yeah, we did it!  We changed over to all-in-ONE dinner for my wedding.  It is almost 43 years since then and this system is followed to date!

This is just an example of one tradition at a wedding.  Sure, there are many other such opportunities at weddings, but the same principle hold good for birthday celebrations, religious ceremonies, anniversary functions, death ceremonies, etc.

Value of return gifts is another classic example.  If you can take a bold lead in curtailing them down, you have done a great service to society. My appeal to youngsters – Enjoy and Celebrate in life. But sensibly, curtail the formal events to the extent everyone in the society can afford.

I have constantly tried over 40 years ‘Take no gifts and give no gifts.” Some firm traditions of giving and accepting gifts have discontinued in the family.  However, I was only partly successful. But you could do better, will you?

Written: Badri Baldawa                                                      Edited: Meeta Kabra

Protest Unfair Traditions

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31 Jan 1971.  Believe me, I was at last getting married!

Just before the wedding, one of the customs considers the bridegroom as Lord Vishnu. Thus, the bride’s father welcomes the son-in-law on his arrival as if he were Lord Vishnu.  So was I. In addition to a wonderful life-time companion, I was offered a suit and a gold chain etc as gifts!  Great!

But just before that, the father-in-law offers pooja and prayers to the son-in-law and in the process he washes the son-in-law’s feet, wipes them, applies Kumkum chandan, tilak, etc to his feet. Basically, prays him literally like he was God.

There comes the problem and the dilemma.  On the one hand, you are taught to regard your wife’s father like he was your own father and at the same time, you make him wash your feet?

Would you ever allow your father to touch and wash your feet?  No, certainly not. Then how could I accept that my father-in-law would wash my feet?  Never.  It is possible it was a good old tradition and there was a reason for it to be included in the ceremonies. But, it did not appear logical to me.

I rebelled against this system. I just couldn’t allow my father-in-law to wash my feet.  Senior members of my family protested, even though my dad appreciated the gesture. The protest was natural as I was trying to break an age-old system. I was firm and every one ultimately had to agree.

This system was deleted from our family for all the subsequent weddings till date. Deleted once and for all!

My belief is that wherever the system does not appear to be fair, check whether your conscience permits to continue with what you are being asked to do.

 

Written: Badri Baldawa                                                                           Edited: Meeta Kabra