Category Archives: Biography

What Next – A Dilemma

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On certain occasions in life you are at a dilemma – do I satisfy my desires or take overall responsibilities.  At such points, it is essential to curb our feelings for the larger good. To do what I really want to do would surely give me pleasure. But the pleasure I would get in fulfilling the desires of the entire family would be incomparable.  If I have an opportunity to get ‘incomparable pleasure’, why should I get satisfied with just ‘pleasure’?

In 1965, I appeared for B.Com exams and was contemplating what was best for me to do thereafter.  I had to decide whether to join business or go for a job or pursue further studies. The ground reality was that we were ten brothers and four sisters.  Except one sister who was married, the others were younger to me.  They needed to be educated, married and ultimately settle in their career. There was always a financial crunch at home – even for essential day to day needs.  We desperately needed regular income in the family.

I always wanted to run my own business and I had the confidence that I had acumen for it. It could then be debated – why did I not join dad’s mining business?  The mining business was not giving returns.  To make it profitable, processes needed to be mechanised for which an investment of Rs.15-20 crores was needed.  We did not have adequate sources nor securities to get the large funds to run the mining business.

The maximum financial help I was offered was enough to set up a grocery shop – a very common business occupation at that time. Though business could give better earnings, there was no guarantee of any fixed minimum returns.  A single wrong decision in business could ruin the dreams of the entire family.  It was too big a risk for me to take.  I had to play a safer game.  Therefore to ensure that all the family members are taken care of, I decided against setting up a business.

The other option was to study further which would result in a further financial burden. The family would continue to struggle for at least 3-4 additional years.

Employment gives regular assured income.  It was better to go for assured income by doing a job.  At any later time, as and when I saw the family settling down, I could take the risk of fulfilling my dream of experimenting with my own business. Under the circumstances, I was convinced that doing a job would be the thing to do.  It was a compromise and of course, not a very happy situation to be in. I was still in dilemma

Just then, the results of my final B.Com were declared.  I had secured the top rank in the University.  After getting the results, I went home, took my mother’s blessings and headed to the office room.  I missed my dad.  He was away on one of his trips to the mines. By this time, a few of our family, friends and neighbours who had heard of my results had already collected in the office with a garland to honour me. One common question was,  “Badri, what do you want to do next?”  True, I now had to take a final decision.

I was blessed with a surprise.  My dad had unexpectedly returned from his trip and entered the office, full of well-wishers.  He was not aware of my results.  He heard it from the people already collected there.  I could read his face.  He was a proud father. As if the garland was waiting for my dad.  He picked it up and garlanded me.  What an honour!

The same question was asked again, “what next?” I was still confused.  Before I could answer, dad answered.  “With such bright results, what other option would he prefer other than to take the family responsibility after me.”  I was happy that dad had come to my rescue and took a decision for me.

Dad looked at me and continued “Beta, you study as much as you want.  No limits.  Leave it to me, I will handle the affairs at home. You don’t have to worry about the expenses.   I have energy and strength to take care of all of that. If you study now, you can take care of the family tomorrow!”  I was lucky to have such a dad!

A very sensitive occasion for me.  My dilemma was no more.  I got what I ultimately wanted.  Study further.  I thought for a while, I could continue study now and still earn later with higher status and earnings.  But if I went for a steady income now, it would be very difficult to go for studies later on.

It therefore was decided that I would go for further studies as long as dad had energy.This was the opportunity to show my worth in studies and then take up the challenge of supporting the entire family.  It also reminded me: in business I might earn, but it would be temporary because there can always be losses. But if I acquire knowledge, it would be my permanent asset and I would never lose it. That asset would help me later, whether I go for employment or business.

Vidya Dhanam Sarwa Dhana Pradhanam.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Editor: Meeta Kabra

The “Soonya” state of Mind at Ganges

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1 April 2014.  I was at theof River Ganges, at Rishikesh, Vaan Prastha Ghat.

People from various philosophies visit this place.  Rush of believers flood for Ganga Snaan (a dip in the Holy Ganges). After my Yoga class in the morning from 6.30 to 8.00am, I had my breakfast and came down to the ghat for a dip.

Nice, clean water.   Chilling, cold, freshly diluted ice. The current was strong.  It was difficult to stand even on the bank as you feel that you would drown with the strong flow. Heavy iron chains are provided at this bank so that one can hold the chain tight and take a dip in the river.  Still you are afraid that you will drown.

Normally, I dip myself 3 or 5 times in the Ganges.  But I recollected an interesting experience my niece Nirmala (Naru) narrated.  She went for her bath at Rishikesh, Geeta Bhavan #1 ghat.  Close to her was a lady from Eastern Europe taking her dips too.  As is her habit, Naru started talking to the European lady in English.  The lady replied in Hindi and told Naru ‘Dubki poora lena.  Shir aur shir ke hairs bhi bhigana”  (Take the dip properly, your head and hair should go in too). Naru was surprised with her reply in Hindi and said: “Kaan meh problem.” (I have a problem in my ears).  The lady said ‘haan kaan meh paani jata.’ (Yes, the water does go in the ears.)

After 5 dips Naru stopped.  The lady said, “Nahin Nahin, gyarah dubki lena.’  (No-no, you should dip yourself 11 times). When Naru said it was enough for her, the lady insisted, “nahin, nahin 11 lena.  Mai count karegi .”  (no-no, 11 times. I will count.) She forced Naru to continue and started counting dips “six raam raam, “seven raam raam” and continued till 11 dips were completed.

Today, I was afraid that I had come alone. I double checked to see that I am  safe.  I held the chain with as strong a grip as possible.  I had my first dip, second and third.  Normally I feel satisfied, rather I feel tired and complete at 3 dips. But then I recollected the instance Naru had narrated. I took 11 dips!

I do not know whether there is any logic behind this count of 11, but the last 5-6 dips gave me a thrill and pleasure which I have never experienced before. I didn’t know if there was anything surviving or existing in this universe. It was absolute “Soonya” (zero) state of mind.  Nothing but energy flowed in.

It is amazing how devoted foreigners are to learn, understand our traditions and implement them.  Some of them study our traditions and philosophy deep enough, that they are qualified to teach us our own traditions and learning from our scriptures.

Thereafter every time I was in for river bath, after The Float, I took 11 dips and enjoyed getting  in “Soonya” state of mind.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Edited: Meeta Kabra

Ganges – the Positive Energy

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April 2014 takes me to the Ghat (banks) of River Ganga at Rishikesh.

As I was changing my clothes at the steps of the Parmarth Niketan Ghat, after bathing in the Ganges, I noticed a foreign couple stepping in on the Ghat. The guy was well built. His lady friend was sitting on the steps while he went forward for a dip in the Ganges.

I thought of warning him about the strong current and that it might not be safest to enter without holding a chain. As he was about to enter his back was towards me. I saw his fair-coloured back full of tattoos. A prominent one amongst them was a large “OM”. I don’t know why, the large tattoo on his back made me feel that there was no need to warn him, as somehow that made him mature enough to understand it. Instead, I chose to watch him enter the river without holding onto the chain. Mentally, I started working out what would be the best way to save him, just in case he is pulled by the current.

He entered the river and its strong flow of water. He balanced well for a few steps into the river. He stood facing East, the direction from which the Ganges was flowing towards him. He bent forward, put his feet back and in a matter of seconds took a sleeping position. He went under the water level a couple of times, each time for a minute or two. His head was towards the East.

Clean, clear transparent water was flowing over his head, back, hips, and legs; flowing away from his feet. I had been observing over the last few days, the different ways in which people took a dip in the super-cold Ganges. However, the feelings was different as I saw this man takes his dips.

After the dip, the guy walked up to sit next to his companion. I could not resist and disturbed him.

The first obvious question was, “Where are you from?” He said “I belong to the entire world. I have no permanent home to say this is where I come from and this is where I live.” For the last seven years he had traveled between Russia, Nepal and India, most of which he had spent in Nepal and India. Though he liked Nepal, he liked India the most and would prefer and love to stay in India.” To me, it looked like he was born in one of the countries from the Soviet Union. I would call him Russian for easy identification.

Just at that time, someone, a simple Indian with his family, who was also keenly watching this foreigner with an “OM” tattoo, interrupted.

He asked the foreigner, “Excuse me. Can I ask you where did you get this Om tattoo?” The foreigner replied, “It is irrelevant, where I got it done. What is relevant is the presence of Om vibrations on my back all the time”.

The Indian said his interest was to know whether it is a temporary marked OM or etched permanently. He said “Nothing is permanent in the world, but this ‘Om’ is. This will be with me as long as my body lives. Om will stay as long as my body stays in this universe.”

The Indian said “I have some expertise and knowledge in Tattoos. I cannot believe how artistic and beautiful this one is. Origin of Om is in India, but such quality tattooing in my opinion cannot be done anywhere in India. If at all it has been done in India, I would be interested to know where”.

The visitor replied, “One of my friends in Russia is a tattoo artist and we were together for some time. He had tattooed in Russia.” He further explained, “In their early literature, Russians had reference of Om in their meditation. Om is also well-accepted and respected in Russia. There are many similarities in the Russian and Indian cultures.”

The discussions then developed to how the Russians know so well about “OM” whereas it is supposed to have originated and developed from India. The Russian said “OM” is equally well-known in Russian countries as per their scriptures (equivalent to the vedas).

They went on to discuss that long time back, India and Russia did not have a border between them. Only later, politics separated them. Hence most of the culture and traditions between India and Russia are the same. It is because the cultures, attitudes, feelings and thinking are similar that Indians and Russians are so fond of each other.

I remembered my early years when India, under Lal Bahadur Shastri and Indira Gandhi as the Prime Ministers, was very close to Russia. During war against Pakistan and China, while super power USA supported the latter, the other super power Russia supported India. That Russia might enter the game to support India kept USA away from joining Pakistan and China.

As these thoughts crossed my mind, I asked the Russian what I really wanted to ask, “I really get worried and unstable when I enter the strong water current of the river. How come you could manage so easily and reach a comfortable position.” He said it was easy. The water had a high current flow but was not very deep. He bent forward so that he could hold some stones. Once he got that hold, it was all easy. He said he lied down for a purpose. I asked him “purpose?”. What could be the purpose except that people go down to take a dip in anticipation of washing their sins and going towards Moksha. His answer was surprising.

He said, “The flow of water is nothing but energy. More so with River Ganga. Amongst water flows, it is a proven fact that River Ganges has the highest flow of energy. So when I lie down in the water with head towards the inflow of water current, the energy is passing through the top of my head, through the face, neck, shoulders, arms, back, spine, legs and finally through my feet. By the time water passes through the feet, the entire body is purified; the negatives drain out and new positive energy flows in the body. This is the energy which gives ‘life’ to the body which otherwise is just a skeleton.”

Author: Badri Baldawa
Editor:  Meeta Kabra

Mother’s Ring Speaks

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75 years ago, my mother got married.  She got a stone studded ring as a wedding gift from dad.  Both the families were well-reputed and reasonably placed economically at that time.  But luck has its own agenda and things changed. My parents wanted me to study but ran short of funds. Around 1963, they pledged the ring, for a loan of Rs. 450 against it, at a rate of 3% monthly interest cumulative. That’s how I could complete my education. I wasn’t aware of this loan. I accidentally found the pawnbroker’s note a couple of years later.

I completed my education in 1968 and got a job at a handsome salary of Rs.720 per month. Over a period of 5-6 years, the loan with compounded interest accrued to Rs.2,200. A new ring like that one could then be purchased for about Rs.1,100.  My parents must’ve even forgotten the matter by this time.  Anyway, financially it did not make sense to release the ring from the clutches of the moneylender.  However, from my accrued initial savings, I got the ring released, as it was invaluable for mom.  When I surprised mom with the ring, she could not believe it, tears rolled down and she sobbed for quite a while, probably for the unexpected surprise of getting back an invaluable item of sentimental value.

I lost my mother on Akshaya Trithiya, 24 April 2012, exactly two years ago.  When her ornaments were distributed to her children, I preferred to retain just that stone studded ring my dad had given to mom at their wedding.

I was holding that ring today. The Ring started speaking. What the Ring said could hold true for anyone.

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“Parents try their best to bring their children up, within affordable means and facilities available to them. They disciplined, gave pleasure, taught culture according to what they thought was best for you, from their point of view.  It was all selfless and nothing was expected in return.”

The Ring continued to speak:  “Forget not, you are holding your present status mainly due to the support of your parents, for which they pledged their wedding ring and even mangalsutra.  They preferred to remain hungry to ensure that you are fed.

To value the care they had taken, wasn’t it your duty to have spent some more time with them to share and talk about things of their interest? Did you not deprive them of the respect and facilities they deserved, forgetting that they sacrificed all their life for your development?”

The ring was true. I lost my father early in my life.  While my mother was alive, every day, I thought I would shortly be free; retire from my business and spend some time with her.

Occasionally, I probably considered that spending time with parents was unproductive, boring, waste of time and even disgusting.  Sometimes, I probably thought the parents were rigid and argued on matters irrelevant to the present environment.  Why did I get these types of feelings about the people, who spent their whole life to bring me up, educate me and support me in building my career?

They were the ones who were next to me whenever I was ill; they were the ones who sacrificed their desires, just to ensure that my desires get fulfilled.

I probably failed to understand that as my parents were advancing in age, their level of energy and enthusiasm would reduce and they might not catch up with new lifestyle.  I probably failed to give credit that they were more mature, better experienced and have higher understanding, without which they could not have guided me all through my life. I probably failed to appreciate that they had right to feel proud for whatever they have gone through to shoulder the family responsibilities so far. Silly, that I confused that as their ego. I probably had forgotten that they had already proven themselves while I still had to prove myself.

What a wrong notion I carried that I am extra smart.  In fact, my parents sacrificed everything for me and still they honoured and appreciated me for whatever little I did.  Alas, when my turn came to serve and honour them, I missed the golden opportunity to avail the win-win situation. Had I done that I would have lost nothing.  I repent today.

Oh, my dear Mother’s Ring.  Thank you for speaking out.  Let me see whether I can at least express gratefulness to the living elders “for whatever they have done” and show them that “I care for you and your feelings”.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Editor: Meeta Kabra

Don’t Mix Business With Social Pressures :

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Pre-independence my family was in the tobacco business in Bellary, mainly dependent on consumption by army. Post independence, the soldiers were moving out of town. This reduced the demand for tobacco products drastically. Our neighbours produced a competing brand. Now, though the demand had plummeted, fearing that we may lose the labour force to the competitors, our family continued production at full capacity – suicidal. Obviously, stocks started piling up.  Hoping that suddenly better days would come, excess stocks were stored in a warehouse located just behind the manufacturing unit.

Bellary is well known to have only two seasons a year – hot and very hot.  Normally it doesn’t rain much in Bellary and ‘heavy rains’ were not heard of.  However, on one of those days around 1955, there were very heavy rains, so much so that the roof of the warehouse collapsed.  Tobacco products become unusable once they are wet.  The entire stock became worthless.  There was no known storm insurance concept at that time.  It was a heavy loss and the family could not bear this loss. At the same time, our business partner expressed his inability to bear his share of the loss and backed out.

That rainy night was the biggest setback to the family.  Imagine, just one incident, changed the entire fate of the family. The family, which was considered one of the richest in that locality was on the verge of collapse.

If we analyse the reasons for this collapse, there were a few management blunders.  The most obvious one – though demand had dropped permanently, production continued at same pace.  The production continued just for the fear that the competitor would take away workers.  On top of all, the most damaging reason was the feeling that if production drops and we let go of labour, society will look down upon us, a fear of loss of face.

If the social pressure had not  influenced the business, the history of the family status would have be different.

In a “guidance program for the youth” where I am a mentor, I have observed that even in today’s  independent and forward-thinking age, young entrepreneurs are trapped with similar problems.  In one specific case, though the profit margins were good,  expansion was being made to impress customers and competitors.  Collection of outstanding was ignored, stating “that delay in payment is okay, as long as I get business”.  They somehow considered that demanding the payments was unsocial from the people of high status. These so called high status guys took full advantage and effected the payments at their own will and wish.

On scrutiny, it came to light that though the customers were very happy with the socially-rich vendor, it led the business to cash starvation so much so that the business was at the brink of closure.   After studying the figures, I had to advise the owners, about 8 months ago, that for the sake of survival, they had to come out of this “social complex”.   Luckily they heeded to the advice.  On their path to recovery, they had to offer hefty discounts to get outstanding dues. Certain debts turned bad and led to legal recourse.   They closed all their unprofitable wings, stopped dealing with the late pay masters and concentrated on the healthy portion of business.  Though it was a painful process, atleast they survived.  They are now about to turn the corner, within 6-8 months.    However, had they continued with the “Social ego” problem, they would have definitely closed down by now.

Whenever we have problems, we start getting influenced by what the society would think. After I qualified as a Chartered Accountant, when I was in the Middle East, I had the opportunity to study the reasons for many loss-making businesses internatioanally and suggest corrective measures.

I observed, particularly in cases of businesses owned by high profile owners, that though they knew where they were making losses, they were not willing to take action. And in most cases, the reason was for fear of society.

The business normally have activities which give decent profits as well as loss-making activities.  Profits generated by certain activities are eaten up by by loss-making activities.

In one of my assignments, I had to face a severe ego problem.  They were very hesitant to close down the loss-making units just because when the owner would be in his social circles the next time, someone would say “oh, you have closed down so-and-so business”.  They sound sympathizing but are actually sarcastic. This was a case of ego clashing with business decision.

I then had to argue: “One, are they going to come forward and help you if you start going down the drain. Two, how hurt would you be in the social circle, if you had to close down the business completely, which is likely to happen if you continue to lose this way.  Three, those who are real businessmen, would appreciate your decision as an aware and sensible one. Please ignore society on this matter and do what is best for you”.  He ultimately listened, his business survived.

For the sake of our own survival, let fear of society not influence business principles.

Author: Badri Baldawa                                                                     Editor: Meeta Kabra

Define Contentment

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A day at Ganges Ghat at Rishikesh in April 2014.

Just as I was about to enter the river for my bath, I saw one of the sadhu pandits (priest) wearing a white handloom dhoti, just finishing his bath.  I knew he was going to chant Hanuman Chalisa (a prayer for Lord Hanuman).  I went to him to say “Please wait for me to complete my bath, we will sing Hanuman Chalisa together”.  He did not speak.  I took my 11 dips and sat next to him.  We recited Hanuman Chalisa together.

He was the same sant (saint) who I saw two days ago at the river side.  That day, I obseved him as he had his bath while chanting all type of Mantras. He then, sat on the steps and chanted the Hanuman Chalisa with a lovely tune.  I was at peace of mind and unknowingly joined him. I thoroughly enjoyed the vibrations. I waited till he completed his jaaps (chants) and was inquisitive to know more about him.

He was about 60 years old and from a village in Bihar.  He lost his parents long ago.  He did not marry and had no relatives, except for a brother and a nephew, who he had no contact with. He stayed in a temple in his village and was the caretaker.  He traveled a lot.  He reached Haridwar by train and expected to stay in Rishikesh for 4-5 days before moving to other places.  He was planning on reaching Badrinath by foot and expected to reach there by mid-May 2014.  On his way, if he feels like it, if he finds it interesting, he’d stay at any place for 4-5 days.

No plans, no itinerary, no reservations for accommodation, no worry about food, no expense budget.  He appeared a fully content soul.  He would stay in any Ashram which wouldn’t mind giving him some space to sleep, even if it means open space in very cold weather.  He’d eat at any of the Ashrams which had complimentary meal arrangements for Sadhus. In case he didn’t get food, he said, he wouldn’t feel hungry; he felt hungry only when he saw food and not otherwise.  He had just a dhoti and a spare langot for clothing, which he would wash every day and use.

We, on the other hand, would not bother making travel plans unless we have confirmed reservations, comfortable place to stay, planned arrangements to eat and a load of warm and fancy clothes.  Here was a soul who had full mental satisfaction even though he did not have any financial for expenses, accommodation, food arrangements or in fact any materialistic possessions!

Now look at this.  Just on the way to Rishikesh, I lost my iphone.  It was pinched by someone at Delhi station when it was kept for charging from right under our nose.  All my information, contact details, data was lost with the phone.  I was very upset.  I felt very sad.  Losing that phone was almost as if I had lost one of my beloved ones. Is such an attachment necessary?  It is bad that we have become so dependant. How did we manage when cell phones did not exist?  We probably had better mental peace and less dependency on an external non-living tool? Just compare that to the Sadhu who wasn’t even dependent on living beings and was still happy and content.

Later, I went for a trek from Rishikesh to the Neelkanth mountain.  This is located in the centre of a valley, surrounded by mountains all around. It was a circuit trek of about 25 km including a steep climb of about 3000 feet over a distance of 12-13 km.

This is said to be the place where Lord Shiva took his salvation after he consumed the poison, during the Samudra Manthan – to save the universe from destruction, Shiva retained the poison and did not allow it to go down his throat.  It created such heat that he had to rest in a cool place.  That place was Neelkanth.

(Neelkanth is the same place where it is whispered that Mrs. Jasodaben, the wife of the BJP nominee Mr. Narendra Modi is presently stationed  in an Ashram.)

This place could be visited by a vehicle.  But we preferred to trek. No doubt it was a hard trek.  Since I lost my cell phone, I carried my wife’s phone.  It was for the loved ones at home to know our whereabouts.  But every time there was a call, it disturbed the peace and trek thrills. When I had such a wonderful time with nature in wonderful company of two daughter-like grand nieces, Archana and Krishna, any call was a disturbance.  We gain a lot from modern gadgets, but we lose a lot too!

I wondered if it was really necessary that I buy a new cell phone to live? Since I lost my phone, was this an opportunity to stay without it?  I am wondering whether I should buy a phone at all?  Can’t I get on without depending on it?  Will I not be happier without a cell phone?  Why not try at least for a few months to see what difference it makes?

Author: Badri Baldawa                                                      Editor: Meeta Kabra

Affordable Traditions

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“This is the marriage season, I will be very busy”, said a neighborhood moneylender. How do weddings make a lender busy?

Did you get it?

Weddings obviously mean business to many like caterers, decorators, jewelers, etc.  We missed out another category of businessmen who look forward to the wedding season – The moneylender.

The affluent lay down certain traditions to show-off their prosperity.  In the process, probably they do not realise the quantum of damage they cause to society.

A practical example.  In our town, at any wedding, the entire community was invited for three full course meals. ‘Sigree noota’ – all the members in every family were on the invite list. This translated to 200-250 people on two of these meals and 400 people for one of them because people from the neighbouring townships were also invited.

Funnily enough, for those who could not attend, a parcel to their home! Obviously, these meals mean a lot of money.  Someone who probably wanted to boast about his wealth must have started this and with time this became tradition.

Those who did not have adequate sources of income, also had to host three meals.  They were worried that if they failed to host 3 meals they would be looked down upon by the community. Their fear was valid.

Whenever invited by the affluent class, even the members of the low income profile families would go for the dinner.  Not attending was considered as an unfriendly act. Once they went, it was understandably difficult to avoid inviting when there was a wedding at their own home – an endless chain.

Think of the amount of harm this tradition caused.  Those who could not afford, borrowed money.  Some sold or pledged their homes to finance the meals.  A few had to convince their wife and daughters-in-law to sell or pledge their ornaments and jewelry.

Obviously, loans from banks was not available for weddings.  Therefore, they had to borrow from private lenders. The maximum amount a moneylender would lend would be about half the value of the property pledged. An additional condition was that if the loan was not repaid before the amount accumulates to the total value of the property, the owner lost his right to the house or the jewelry.  The interest on private borrowing was anything from 24% to 36% (usually monthly compounded) per year.  This means over a period of 2 to 3 years, the amount repayable would double.  In short, within 2-3 years if the loan was not repaid, hard earned pledged items became the lender’s property.

Why? What is the root cause?  Is it just to maintain a tradition in the society? Will the society for whom this has been done come to his rescue? No. Just forget it, they would be busy gossiping!

The irony is it hardly made any difference to the guests, but the host was doomed. It wouldn’t be surprising if, in certain cases, it led to suicides. What is the point of following such traditions? Inspite of knowing the consequences, no one dared to amend or rectify.

Justification : “why should I be the first one to defy tradition?  Let someone else take the blame”.

Solution?

If we can sensibly act.  For example, at my wedding in 1971, we were reasonably better placed financially and could have managed to host 3 meals easily.  For me, this was an opportunity.  I explained the above consequences to my dad.  He was well aware of such unnecessary burden on some people in the community.

I suggested “Kakaji, why not we restrict the wedding celebration by hosting just one dinner? Let us take the blame for curtailing this tradition and the change could save someone”. My dad was in favor of a positive change in the society and he readily agreed.

Yeah, we did it!  We changed over to all-in-ONE dinner for my wedding.  It is almost 43 years since then and this system is followed to date!

This is just an example of one tradition at a wedding.  Sure, there are many other such opportunities at weddings, but the same principle hold good for birthday celebrations, religious ceremonies, anniversary functions, death ceremonies, etc.

Value of return gifts is another classic example.  If you can take a bold lead in curtailing them down, you have done a great service to society. My appeal to youngsters – Enjoy and Celebrate in life. But sensibly, curtail the formal events to the extent everyone in the society can afford.

I have constantly tried over 40 years ‘Take no gifts and give no gifts.” Some firm traditions of giving and accepting gifts have discontinued in the family.  However, I was only partly successful. But you could do better, will you?

Written: Badri Baldawa                                                      Edited: Meeta Kabra

The Puff

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My family owned a tobacco business for a few years when I was a child.  All the adult men in our family had to smoke to assess the quality of the tobacco.  The youngsters, particularly from the family of my uncles, were not prohibited from smoking. If they had to be a part of the business, they had to know the taste of the tobacco.

Smoking, however, never interested me.  As a child, I thought smoking was bad for youngsters and may be good for older people who earn out of it. I didn’t smoke and my dad didn’t want me to smoke ever.

Around the mid 1950s, on one specific occasion, curiosity got the better of me – I wanted to know what a smoke tastes like.  I chose a time when my dad’s office was empty.  I closed both doors to the office.  To ensure that no one detects me, I crept under the office table, and put a beedi in my mouth, filmy style.

I tried to copy Dilip Kumar, N T Ramarao or Nageswar Rao, the then Hindi and Telugu famous movie actors. I lit the beedi, and took my first puff.  Oh no! I started coughing immediately. The cough just would not stop.

My dad was in the quality inspection room located just behind the office room.  He sent our senior supervisor Girijappa to figure what was wrong with me.  Girijappa rushed, looked at me, understood what I was upto. He said it is not unusual and that it happens when you smoke for the first time.  That was the only puff I had in my life.  I hated the concept thereafter.

I thank that puff for keeping me away from smoking forever.

Written: Badri Baldawa                                Edited: Meeta Kabra

Protest Unfair Traditions

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31 Jan 1971.  Believe me, I was at last getting married!

Just before the wedding, one of the customs considers the bridegroom as Lord Vishnu. Thus, the bride’s father welcomes the son-in-law on his arrival as if he were Lord Vishnu.  So was I. In addition to a wonderful life-time companion, I was offered a suit and a gold chain etc as gifts!  Great!

But just before that, the father-in-law offers pooja and prayers to the son-in-law and in the process he washes the son-in-law’s feet, wipes them, applies Kumkum chandan, tilak, etc to his feet. Basically, prays him literally like he was God.

There comes the problem and the dilemma.  On the one hand, you are taught to regard your wife’s father like he was your own father and at the same time, you make him wash your feet?

Would you ever allow your father to touch and wash your feet?  No, certainly not. Then how could I accept that my father-in-law would wash my feet?  Never.  It is possible it was a good old tradition and there was a reason for it to be included in the ceremonies. But, it did not appear logical to me.

I rebelled against this system. I just couldn’t allow my father-in-law to wash my feet.  Senior members of my family protested, even though my dad appreciated the gesture. The protest was natural as I was trying to break an age-old system. I was firm and every one ultimately had to agree.

This system was deleted from our family for all the subsequent weddings till date. Deleted once and for all!

My belief is that wherever the system does not appear to be fair, check whether your conscience permits to continue with what you are being asked to do.

 

Written: Badri Baldawa                                                                           Edited: Meeta Kabra

Joint Family Culture – An Experiment:

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“Get married, stay independently and live your life.” – A message to all my brothers.  In the 70s, such a statement was considered revolutionary, at least in our Marwari community!

Joint family structure has the advantage of members sharing each others’ responsibility. It also means that all members have equal rights on the total income made in the family, irrespective of the each one’s ability to contribute.

Gradually, with higher education, wider options of living standards, and modern lifestyle, slightest lethargy by any member wasn’t tolerated by those who contributed better to the family, especially financially.  Even things like disparity in number of children and ratio of employed children, decided the status of a person in the family. With this, the ‘let go’ attitude and emotional factors started eroding to a large extent.

This created a class differentiation within a family. For some time they tried to suppress a lot of their individual desires. These suppressions accumulated and in course of time, burst into anger, frictions, and fights within the family.

Obviously, it started creating more conflicts and misunderstandings, ultimately leading to divisions in the family, with bitter arguments.  The joint family concept started eroding at a fast rate. Even the large and absolutely rich brothers amongst  families like Birla-Bangurs, Ambanis could not stay together.

In our own family in 1960s, two sensible, intelligent and experienced ladies would start fighting for no reason. We ultimately split but there was a surprise pleasant discovery for me.  After the division, the grudges between the two women disappeared very fast. Love and affection got prime importance, once again.  One wanted to help the other, even if it meant going out of way.

I learnt a lesson.  It is better to keep a little distance to maintain good relations.

I was about 27 years old when my dad passed away. I have 6 brothers and 4 sisters (3 unmarried at that time). If my dad’s family stayed together, we would’ve been about 25-30 members under one roof – each, obviously with their independent opinion.  Even if there were cordial relations, a divide amongst brothers would’ve been eventually, unavoidable.

The question then was if one should wait till misunderstandings develop, then fight and separate? I therefore thought, it was definitely better to stay separate from the beginning, well before frictions develop and thus retain the love and affection between the family members.

I resolved that I should take my father’s responsibility to educate, support and set-up my brothers to a stage, from where they can lead their own life. My aim was for every brother to have his independence in running his family.  At the same time there should be cordial relation, love, and affection amongst us. It was a challenge for me to devise the right formula.

It was easier for rich and industrialist families to resolve this: Divide the assets; give each of them nice places to stay; allocate enough finance and provide a base to carry on business for their future.  But the reality were different for me.  Assets were zero, bank balance zero, properties zero and the business, a big zero too.

However I was determined to go with my philosophy to the best of my abilities.

  • Accept responsibility. In the absence of my father, fulfilling my own requirements would not be my priority, till I complete my responsibilities towards educating and settling my brothers and marrying my sisters.
  • Prefer a job over business. Given my situation, limited but assured income was better than having own business where income might be larger but uncertain.
  • It would be in everyone’s interest that I draw a line until which I should shoulder my brothers’ responsibilities. I should support till they get married and have a house of their own. Thereafter each brother should stay independently and live their own life.
  • Initially since all of them might not have enough funds to buy a house, to those who need,  I would extend them financial support to the extent it was possible for me.  Any financial help would be a loan. This was so that they respect the value of money and so that they and their children could say it is ‘our own house’ instead of ‘tauji’s house’.
  • Since a home is an essential, to avoid undue financial burden in the initial stages of carrier, the loan would be interest free.

With the implementation of the above, every one was forced to realise his responsibility and be prepared to standby for anyone who needed help. There were hardly any arguments between brothers or their families.  Every one was at liberty to decide what is best for their individual family, without any interference from others.

In today’s lifestyle, even two married brothers staying together may not be practical. When I look back today, “once married, stay independently” was the right way to go between brothers. I am happy that my decision wasn’t proven wrong.

Written: Badri Baldawa                         Edited:  Meeta Kabra