Category Archives: Wedding

How Reliable is Horoscope Compatibility For Wedding

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My dad’s older brother called, “we have reference for a boy from a well-reputed family in Sangli-Madhavnagar.  Bhageerathi’s horoscope matches his, 35 out of the maximum possible 36 aspects (gunas) match.” Bhageerathi was my most beloved younger sister.

The practice of matching horoscope, called ‘kundli milan’,  before marriage has been a very integral part of a Hindu marriage.

For kundlis (horoscopes) to match, parents consult an astrologer to assess the zodiac compatibility even before the boy and girl meet each other.  A match of atleast 26 aspects/points is considered essential.  It is believed, that this matching indicates how well the couple would get along together.  Obviously therefore, higher the match count, better and longer are prospects of their happy lives together.

We were all very happy to have found a boy to match 35 out of 36 counts for Bhageerathi. Shortly thereafter, in 1963, they were married.  About 2-3 years into the marriage, they were blessed with a daughter.  The year after, Bhageerathi passed away in an accident.

This raises a question.  Can the tradition of matching horoscopes be trusted?

Sure, in Hindu families reading horoscopes and making decisions based on the radings is a respected and accepted practice. However, the accuracy of the reading depends on exact time of birth. For any reason, if the time of birth is not accurately recorded, the entire horoscope could be incorrect.  Further, it is after all an individual who interprets the horoscope.  The reading depends on the depth of knowledge of the person preparing and interpreting it.

Certainly something had gone wrong in matching Bhageerathi’s horoscope.  Otherwise would she not be able to enjoy a long, married life after a match count of 35 out of 36?

There were instances where a boy and a girl liked and loved each other immensely.  When they were to get married, their horoscopes did not match and they were forced to forget each other. There were cases where priority was given to horoscope compatibility rather than personalities. Isn’t it unfair?

Should we deprive those who love each other just because of horoscope readings? Should this tradition be encouraged?  Certainly not…………I feel.

Written : Badri Baldawa

Edited  : Meeta Kabra

 

Mother’s Ring Speaks

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75 years ago, my mother got married.  She got a stone studded ring as a wedding gift from dad.  Both the families were well-reputed and reasonably placed economically at that time.  But luck has its own agenda and things changed. My parents wanted me to study but ran short of funds. Around 1963, they pledged the ring, for a loan of Rs. 450 against it, at a rate of 3% monthly interest cumulative. That’s how I could complete my education. I wasn’t aware of this loan. I accidentally found the pawnbroker’s note a couple of years later.

I completed my education in 1968 and got a job at a handsome salary of Rs.720 per month. Over a period of 5-6 years, the loan with compounded interest accrued to Rs.2,200. A new ring like that one could then be purchased for about Rs.1,100.  My parents must’ve even forgotten the matter by this time.  Anyway, financially it did not make sense to release the ring from the clutches of the moneylender.  However, from my accrued initial savings, I got the ring released, as it was invaluable for mom.  When I surprised mom with the ring, she could not believe it, tears rolled down and she sobbed for quite a while, probably for the unexpected surprise of getting back an invaluable item of sentimental value.

I lost my mother on Akshaya Trithiya, 24 April 2012, exactly two years ago.  When her ornaments were distributed to her children, I preferred to retain just that stone studded ring my dad had given to mom at their wedding.

I was holding that ring today. The Ring started speaking. What the Ring said could hold true for anyone.

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“Parents try their best to bring their children up, within affordable means and facilities available to them. They disciplined, gave pleasure, taught culture according to what they thought was best for you, from their point of view.  It was all selfless and nothing was expected in return.”

The Ring continued to speak:  “Forget not, you are holding your present status mainly due to the support of your parents, for which they pledged their wedding ring and even mangalsutra.  They preferred to remain hungry to ensure that you are fed.

To value the care they had taken, wasn’t it your duty to have spent some more time with them to share and talk about things of their interest? Did you not deprive them of the respect and facilities they deserved, forgetting that they sacrificed all their life for your development?”

The ring was true. I lost my father early in my life.  While my mother was alive, every day, I thought I would shortly be free; retire from my business and spend some time with her.

Occasionally, I probably considered that spending time with parents was unproductive, boring, waste of time and even disgusting.  Sometimes, I probably thought the parents were rigid and argued on matters irrelevant to the present environment.  Why did I get these types of feelings about the people, who spent their whole life to bring me up, educate me and support me in building my career?

They were the ones who were next to me whenever I was ill; they were the ones who sacrificed their desires, just to ensure that my desires get fulfilled.

I probably failed to understand that as my parents were advancing in age, their level of energy and enthusiasm would reduce and they might not catch up with new lifestyle.  I probably failed to give credit that they were more mature, better experienced and have higher understanding, without which they could not have guided me all through my life. I probably failed to appreciate that they had right to feel proud for whatever they have gone through to shoulder the family responsibilities so far. Silly, that I confused that as their ego. I probably had forgotten that they had already proven themselves while I still had to prove myself.

What a wrong notion I carried that I am extra smart.  In fact, my parents sacrificed everything for me and still they honoured and appreciated me for whatever little I did.  Alas, when my turn came to serve and honour them, I missed the golden opportunity to avail the win-win situation. Had I done that I would have lost nothing.  I repent today.

Oh, my dear Mother’s Ring.  Thank you for speaking out.  Let me see whether I can at least express gratefulness to the living elders “for whatever they have done” and show them that “I care for you and your feelings”.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Editor: Meeta Kabra

Affordable Traditions

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“This is the marriage season, I will be very busy”, said a neighborhood moneylender. How do weddings make a lender busy?

Did you get it?

Weddings obviously mean business to many like caterers, decorators, jewelers, etc.  We missed out another category of businessmen who look forward to the wedding season – The moneylender.

The affluent lay down certain traditions to show-off their prosperity.  In the process, probably they do not realise the quantum of damage they cause to society.

A practical example.  In our town, at any wedding, the entire community was invited for three full course meals. ‘Sigree noota’ – all the members in every family were on the invite list. This translated to 200-250 people on two of these meals and 400 people for one of them because people from the neighbouring townships were also invited.

Funnily enough, for those who could not attend, a parcel to their home! Obviously, these meals mean a lot of money.  Someone who probably wanted to boast about his wealth must have started this and with time this became tradition.

Those who did not have adequate sources of income, also had to host three meals.  They were worried that if they failed to host 3 meals they would be looked down upon by the community. Their fear was valid.

Whenever invited by the affluent class, even the members of the low income profile families would go for the dinner.  Not attending was considered as an unfriendly act. Once they went, it was understandably difficult to avoid inviting when there was a wedding at their own home – an endless chain.

Think of the amount of harm this tradition caused.  Those who could not afford, borrowed money.  Some sold or pledged their homes to finance the meals.  A few had to convince their wife and daughters-in-law to sell or pledge their ornaments and jewelry.

Obviously, loans from banks was not available for weddings.  Therefore, they had to borrow from private lenders. The maximum amount a moneylender would lend would be about half the value of the property pledged. An additional condition was that if the loan was not repaid before the amount accumulates to the total value of the property, the owner lost his right to the house or the jewelry.  The interest on private borrowing was anything from 24% to 36% (usually monthly compounded) per year.  This means over a period of 2 to 3 years, the amount repayable would double.  In short, within 2-3 years if the loan was not repaid, hard earned pledged items became the lender’s property.

Why? What is the root cause?  Is it just to maintain a tradition in the society? Will the society for whom this has been done come to his rescue? No. Just forget it, they would be busy gossiping!

The irony is it hardly made any difference to the guests, but the host was doomed. It wouldn’t be surprising if, in certain cases, it led to suicides. What is the point of following such traditions? Inspite of knowing the consequences, no one dared to amend or rectify.

Justification : “why should I be the first one to defy tradition?  Let someone else take the blame”.

Solution?

If we can sensibly act.  For example, at my wedding in 1971, we were reasonably better placed financially and could have managed to host 3 meals easily.  For me, this was an opportunity.  I explained the above consequences to my dad.  He was well aware of such unnecessary burden on some people in the community.

I suggested “Kakaji, why not we restrict the wedding celebration by hosting just one dinner? Let us take the blame for curtailing this tradition and the change could save someone”. My dad was in favor of a positive change in the society and he readily agreed.

Yeah, we did it!  We changed over to all-in-ONE dinner for my wedding.  It is almost 43 years since then and this system is followed to date!

This is just an example of one tradition at a wedding.  Sure, there are many other such opportunities at weddings, but the same principle hold good for birthday celebrations, religious ceremonies, anniversary functions, death ceremonies, etc.

Value of return gifts is another classic example.  If you can take a bold lead in curtailing them down, you have done a great service to society. My appeal to youngsters – Enjoy and Celebrate in life. But sensibly, curtail the formal events to the extent everyone in the society can afford.

I have constantly tried over 40 years ‘Take no gifts and give no gifts.” Some firm traditions of giving and accepting gifts have discontinued in the family.  However, I was only partly successful. But you could do better, will you?

Written: Badri Baldawa                                                      Edited: Meeta Kabra

Protest Unfair Traditions

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31 Jan 1971.  Believe me, I was at last getting married!

Just before the wedding, one of the customs considers the bridegroom as Lord Vishnu. Thus, the bride’s father welcomes the son-in-law on his arrival as if he were Lord Vishnu.  So was I. In addition to a wonderful life-time companion, I was offered a suit and a gold chain etc as gifts!  Great!

But just before that, the father-in-law offers pooja and prayers to the son-in-law and in the process he washes the son-in-law’s feet, wipes them, applies Kumkum chandan, tilak, etc to his feet. Basically, prays him literally like he was God.

There comes the problem and the dilemma.  On the one hand, you are taught to regard your wife’s father like he was your own father and at the same time, you make him wash your feet?

Would you ever allow your father to touch and wash your feet?  No, certainly not. Then how could I accept that my father-in-law would wash my feet?  Never.  It is possible it was a good old tradition and there was a reason for it to be included in the ceremonies. But, it did not appear logical to me.

I rebelled against this system. I just couldn’t allow my father-in-law to wash my feet.  Senior members of my family protested, even though my dad appreciated the gesture. The protest was natural as I was trying to break an age-old system. I was firm and every one ultimately had to agree.

This system was deleted from our family for all the subsequent weddings till date. Deleted once and for all!

My belief is that wherever the system does not appear to be fair, check whether your conscience permits to continue with what you are being asked to do.

 

Written: Badri Baldawa                                                                           Edited: Meeta Kabra