Road to London # 8 – The Influential Hidden Character

In continuation of earlier blog RTL # 7 – The Route Across India

It is not the first time that she influenced me to take on an adventure. She has supported all my crazy endeavours. She may not initiate the trips. But if I proposed one, she would be enthusiastic about the tour, even for the most complicated and risky ones.  Pushpa, the wife, is not my better half, she is the first half!

In fact, she just might be better qualified to undertake adventure and risky trips. She takes over the gadgetry, which I have never understood.  It is a family joke, particularly by Anand, that it is  because of her I can handle my mobile.

Pushpa Sliding on Australian Sand Dunes 2011

She maintains her cool during testing times of the tours. She accepts that adventure trips have inbuilt calculated risks.  There were times when we had no shelter, but she had no problems. No food, it hardly made a difference to her. She has understood and adjusted to the whatever the situation has demanded.   There have been occasions in our trips together when we had no water to drink, but she didn’t complain.  She prefers tap water to bottled, mineral water wherever she is.  You and I fall ill, not her!

Once when we were in Tibet, our vehicle stalled in a murky place.  It was the dark hour of midnight.   There were no villages for 20 kilometers in any direction. The temperature was minus 10-15 degrees Celsius. And there was a slight drizzle. Every drop of rain felt like a needle piercing your skin.  Boots were getting stuck in mud with every step. And here she was helping me push the vehicle out of the muck.   Ultimately,  we had to walk cold and wet for about a km, in complete darkness. We rested in a road side godown (if we could call it that!) where even a beast would be scared.  The place had a strong stink. It was badly maintained alcohol den, full of beer and was scattered with used cans and bottles.  She has never tasted onion or garlic, let alone alcohol.  But she didn’t even wrinkle her nose when she had to lie down there for a couple of hours of much needed rest.

And oh! That place was owned by a man in his 80s or so. He looked like he was straight out of a western movie, a cowboy, only with horrible, excessive make-up.  He had a spear in his left hand, instead of a gun. Long salt-and-pepper hair and beard – probably unwashed for a long time. He covered it with a cowboy hat.   He was probably wearing new clothes, only that they were bought years ago. His face showed his age in wrinkles. He had extra skin hanging from his cheeks, large red eyes set just above them. Sharp long grey eye-brows.  The place had no lights, it was almost all dark. Just a small dim lamp gave the scene a horror movie feel.  I was outside, in that freezing rain with a driver-guide to see if the car could get on the road. When I returned, the face of the owner, with extra wide eyes, was almost a foot from Pushpa’s face. She was speechless. I dropped in and engaged our host in slow motion, sign language. Pushpa did not complain even about that day ever.

The moment I ask her opinion about a trip, she always has a positive answer. To the extent that some times I take her for granted and forget to even take her consent. Ghar ki murgi daal barabar!

Once in 2012, on a flight to London I mentioned to her that I wanted to drive one day from home to London. She just replied with a “hmmm”, that too forcibly, knowing that it was one of those improbable dreams. However, I knew it is not unachievable, particularly since she would be with me.  She used to drive way back in the 80s when we lived in the Middle East.Quad Driving in Tangalooma Island 2011 With Pushpa as Co-driver

 

A few months ago, she was travelling elsewhere, I called her, “we have a chance to drive to London. Are you interested?”  Her reply was the as quickest as it can be “Grab it”.  It is all through now to make the dream come true.   She is not my better half, she my best half,  Pushpa!  I am really lucky to have such a lady as my companion for these exotic journeys.  She would be my co-driver for “Road To London”!

Written : Badri Baldawa

Edited : Meeta Kabra

                                                                                                To be continued …………………

Road Trip to London # 6 – Family Consent

In continuation of earlier blog RTL #5 Fitness Matters……...

I was worried that when I express my desire to do a Mumbai-London driving trip, I will have to go through a bout of medical exams.

Way back in 2008, I had proposed to trek Mt. Everest base camp.  My wife is too good a lady and encourages me to do whatever I like!  My daughters were excited and slightly hesitant respectively.  But the son resisted,  “Mt. Everest is not for senior citizens.  It is considered very risky.”  I appreciate my children for their love!  I had to undergo a series of medical and stress tests as prescribed by my daughter, Seema and son-in-law, Nilesh, both doctors by profession, practicing in the UK. I passed these tests with flying colours!

On my trek to Mt Everest in 2008

I had lower spondylitis and syncope problems.  They did not make that an issue.  I did not highlight it to them either.  But they probably did not know the details of four cervical slip discs and a misaligned toe.   Except these, I did not hide anything from them! Other than these, I was physically fit.   Even in academic examinations 40% is considered pass.  So I thought I have passed my physical fitness exams.

It was only during this Mt Everest trek that I learned from the guide that it was vital that even the slightest of health problems like headache or lack of appetite or sleep ought to be revealed to the organisers.  Thereafter, I have been more transparent about my health matters with my family.

I was 63 then.  Now I am 72.

Their love continues to flow with even more intensity.  My son, Anand probably loves me the most and hence is the most cautious.  His was the first resistance I had to pass through for my Road To London adventure. It is a long trip with a lot of inbuilt risks.He was not in town when I had made the decision to go on this trip.  Since, it was an impromptu decision, I could not wait for him to be back in 3-4 days. I sent Anand the details I had. This time too I did not hide anything from him except…….!  I was anxiously waiting for his reaction.

“Enjoy the trip – it should be good fun” was Anand’s response. I was surprised by his support. But it was a conditional “yes”. I am a little carefree about trip gear, in general. I didn’t even carry trekking poles for the Mt. Everest trek! But Anand extra-cautious about any of our journeys, even the local ones, and rightly so. I wanted to drive the distance in my favourite Skoda Superb.  Anand’s condition was that the vehicle I would use would be of his choice!  He had traced what I was trying to hide.

No one else had any concerns. Everyone was thrilled at the thought of such a venture.

                                          To  be continued ….RTL # 7 – Route Across India………………….

Written : Badri Baldawa

Edited  : Meeta Kabra

 

How Reliable is Horoscope Compatibility For Wedding

My dad’s older brother called, “we have reference for a boy from a well-reputed family in Sangli-Madhavnagar.  Bhageerathi’s horoscope matches his, 35 out of the maximum possible 36 aspects (gunas) match.” Bhageerathi was my most beloved younger sister.

The practice of matching horoscope, called ‘kundli milan’,  before marriage has been a very integral part of a Hindu marriage.

For kundlis (horoscopes) to match, parents consult an astrologer to assess the zodiac compatibility even before the boy and girl meet each other.  A match of atleast 26 aspects/points is considered essential.  It is believed, that this matching indicates how well the couple would get along together.  Obviously therefore, higher the match count, better and longer are prospects of their happy lives together.

We were all very happy to have found a boy to match 35 out of 36 counts for Bhageerathi. Shortly thereafter, in 1963, they were married.  About 2-3 years into the marriage, they were blessed with a daughter.  The year after, Bhageerathi passed away in an accident.

This raises a question.  Can the tradition of matching horoscopes be trusted?

Sure, in Hindu families reading horoscopes and making decisions based on the radings is a respected and accepted practice. However, the accuracy of the reading depends on exact time of birth. For any reason, if the time of birth is not accurately recorded, the entire horoscope could be incorrect.  Further, it is after all an individual who interprets the horoscope.  The reading depends on the depth of knowledge of the person preparing and interpreting it.

Certainly something had gone wrong in matching Bhageerathi’s horoscope.  Otherwise would she not be able to enjoy a long, married life after a match count of 35 out of 36?

There were instances where a boy and a girl liked and loved each other immensely.  When they were to get married, their horoscopes did not match and they were forced to forget each other. There were cases where priority was given to horoscope compatibility rather than personalities. Isn’t it unfair?

Should we deprive those who love each other just because of horoscope readings? Should this tradition be encouraged?  Certainly not…………I feel.

Written : Badri Baldawa

Edited  : Meeta Kabra

 

Visit To Bandit-Land

You have an option, riskier though.  Go off the main highway, take the first left.  The narrow, unpaved road will take you to the village where dacoits live. Take a right there and right again.  Hoping that the dacoits won’t harm you, you will join this highway again.  This would mean an additional drive of 25-30 kilometers and an extra one and a half hours,” said a truck-driver with his truck in a long, stagnant queue ahead of us.   We were in the Chambal Valley area where bandits were very active creating fear amongst people  in the entire region.

I was on a pilgrimage from Mumbai to Badrinath with my wife and the kids, by car  On that specific day in 1986, we started from Nashik early in the morning and wanted to break for the day at Gwalior.  We were on the Indore-Shivpuri stretch where we found ourselves in a traffic jam.  The queue was almost 5 kilometers long.   Most of the vehicles in the queue were trucks carrying merchandise. Passenger cars, like ours, were not very many.

Given an opportunity, the bandits were known to loot vehicles that passed over the bridge we were stuck at.  Armed Police patrolled this bridge.  Yet, loots were a common occurrence. Just the previous night, a vehicle was rumored to have been robbed.  Since the driver resisted, he was beaten by decoits.  To sympathise with that driver and demanding a better police protection, the trucks went on strike. There were no signs of the strike being called off as the dialogue with the authorities was yet to begin.

I wanted to get to Gwalior in time so that we could rest well for the next day’s long drive to Nainital.  I spoke to a couple of local drivers to ask about alternative route.  One of the drivers suggested that a private passenger car could use a diversion that would bypass the queue as well as the bridge.  The only problem was that it would pass through the village inhabited by the famous dacoits of Chambal.  I was also told that they were only interested in vehicles with merchandise and don’t normally harm families.

I had to decide whether to wait in queue which could last overnight or go back to the earlier town or take the risky diversion.  I chose the diversion – a calculated risk.

I did not tell my wife and kids that we were heading in a bandit zone so that the situation wouldn’t get worse because of panic.  I center locked all doors and windows and told them not to open them even if someone asked them to.  The road was rough, full of crater-like holes.   Slowly and steadily, we moved.

In the village each and every man had long and thick moustaches and bushy beards. Every one had a black, thick, woolen blanket and a gun hanging on a shoulder.   There were a few children around the age of 10-12 years.  They also had a blanket and gun.  Chanting prayers we crossed their village.  I guess the name of the village was Rampur.

Suddenly I found hundreds of them on either side of the road.  It was a weekly market day.  They were there for their weekly purchases.  None of them harmed us and very soon we joined the highway, on the other side of the bridge!  Once on the highway,  I told my wife and children what that was all about.

We reached Gwalior well in time to have our dinner.  A safe passage!  I don’t know whether I should have avoided that diversion.  But one thing is for sure, it created a thrill to remember!

Writer  : Badri Baldawa

Editor  : Meeta Kabra

Maayra – Should This Continue?

I am proud of what I did last week.

My niece (brother’s daughter) was getting married.  We have a tradition called ‘Maayra’ in our community where the bride’s maternal uncle  (maama) offers valuable gifts to his sister (bride’s mother) and her daughter (bride).  This basically is with an intention to contribute towards the wedding expenses.

Taking the bride’s mother in confidence, I approached her brother with a request:  “In this marriage, if you approve, we’d like to do away with the tradition of Maayra

After consulting his family members, maama said that they were fine with that. But in turn, would also like to not have related formalities like ‘Bathhisi’ and ‘Saama Levna’. These are small functions where the sister symbolically invites her brother’s family to the wedding.

Since our side of the family was okay with this, the entire Maayra and related programs were eliminated from the wedding.

Now imagine this.  If this maama has 6 sisters and each of the sisters has 2 or 3 children, the maama will have to offer gifts at each of these weddings – let’s say on about 15 occasions. It just does not end there.  He will also be a part of the Maayra, though on a smaller scale, at the weddings of each child of each niece as ‘Bad Maayerdar’.  Some of the maamas will probably spend a good portion of their lifetime-earnings in Mayraas.

Though this tradition is prevailing since ages, it has become irrelevant in the present time, as the disparity between the rich and the poor has increased widely. In cases where the Maama can afford, they can follow this tradition.  But it sets, a keep up with the Joneses syndrome, or an inferiority complex of sorts, for those who cannot afford it financially.

In cases where the Maama cannot afford, he begs, borrows, pledges his jewelry or property just to fulfill this tradition.  Rates of interest for such borrowings are normally so high that he is sure to be doomed under the burden of paying just the interest.

Is this a fair tradition in the present day situation?

I feel proud that all the Maayra formalities were  eliminated atleast in this wedding. I wish others are inspired and follow similar steps for reform in Society.

Writer  : Badri Baldawa

Editor  : Meeta Kabra

Can We All Be Aarya?

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As I was lying down in Natarajasan as a part of my morning Yogasana around 6.15 in the morning, Pushpa got our 10-month old granddaughter Aarya to greet me.  A lovely, fresh Aarya-style broad smile.  The little one came to say hello before she was to leave for a picnic with other family members.

I let my yoga routine be.  As I was getting up, Aarya jumped on me.  She pointed her finger towards my bedroom window and said “yei, yei”, translating to “entertain me near the window”.

My bedroom is on the first floor of our home and looks down on our lush green, house garden.  Shorter plants under tall ashoka trees.  Mornings usually have a continuous flow of flying and chirping birds just 5-10ft away. Occasional, multi-coloured butterflies can be seen enjoying their flights around the greenery.

Aarya had to be taken back quickly as others were almost ready to leave for the picnic.  But to her call of  “yei, yei” and pointed finger at the window, I had to carry her to the window just for a minute or two.  She was happy and I was more than happy; just not for those few moments, but for the next few hours.

It is about 6 hours since she left, and I still have a smile on, as if I am continuing to respond to her lively smile.  She has been on my mind all this time and whatever I did since this morning went well, full of positive results.  I wish everyone is lucky to receive that smile in the morning so that their entire day is peaceful and positive.

As she grows, as she starts to speak, learn, debate and take responsibilities, I wish she continues to speak with me in “yei, yei” language.  I wish she does not get or accept the coating of the layers of ego, pride, complications that we add to our natural and pure soul.

I realise now why a child is considered as a form of God. A child arrives into this world with the purest of pure thoughts, with no bias towards wealth, caste or creed, like God. Only thing they know is “Love Every One”.  I wish Aarya, the noble, remains the same by soul, though would grow in body and mind.

I wish we all could be the same – smile to say “I Love Every One”!

Written: Badri Baldawa on 24.11.2014

Edited : Meeta Kabra

Support, But Do Not Spoil

Just like I was  looking for moral and financial support when I started my career, many youngsters need support from people who are established. I have been an active participant in trying to provide similar assistance and support, to the best of my means and limitations, for the last 20 years.  It is a pleasure to share a couple of experiences I learnt out of my experiences on matters of financial assistance.

Majority of the people who seek help come with genuine repayment plans and fulfill their commitments on time.  It is always a pleasure extending support to persons with such an attitude. If the loan is for commercial purposes, there is nothing wrong for the lender to have a fair return, as the objective of the loan was to earn money.

If the loan is for an essential nature, I consider providing assistance ‘free of interest’ as getting them out of the financial strain is an adequate satisfaction.  But the borrower should realise that the lender has given the help depriving himself of the earnings that he otherwise would earn on that amount.

However, I have experienced that this ‘interest free’ tag has a  negative effect.   In such cases, the borrower instead of being grateful for receiving concessions, unfortunately, feels that it was his ‘right’ to have received that assistance.  In certain cases it was taken for granted as a gift.  Besides the borrower conveniently takes the repayment of interest-free loan as a last priority, as it doesn’t cost him to delay the repayments.  In most of the cases, the borrower avoids talking to lender as he considers it is the duty of the lender to ask for money.  In some cases, because of the relationship in question, the lender does not talk about it, converting “good money” to “bad money”.

Who is responsible for this?  The borrower?  No. My experience says, it is the me the lender’s fault, for very many reasons.

  • First of all, the loan given was emotion-based and not merit based
  • Secondly,  I mis-judged the borrower, in his attitude
  • Thirdly, I reduced the value of money, by giving the loan interest free
  • Fourthly, if the loan was given for non-essential purposes, I helped the borrower in  investing the funds for non-productive purposes.

Thus I was the one who spoiled them.  I could have been wiser in taking the borrower in confidence by explaining that I value my relationship with him and wish to avoid misunderstandings in future citing Shakespeare, “neither a lender nor a borrower be.”

Had I said a firm “No” and avoided getting emotional, I could have saved them and their deterioration in quality of attitude.  Above all I could have retained my relations with them!

Written: Badri Baldawa

Edited: Meeta Kabra

Mother’s Ring Speaks

75 years ago, my mother got married.  She got a stone studded ring as a wedding gift from dad.  Both the families were well-reputed and reasonably placed economically at that time.  But luck has its own agenda and things changed. My parents wanted me to study but ran short of funds. Around 1963, they pledged the ring, for a loan of Rs. 450 against it, at a rate of 3% monthly interest cumulative. That’s how I could complete my education. I wasn’t aware of this loan. I accidentally found the pawnbroker’s note a couple of years later.

I completed my education in 1968 and got a job at a handsome salary of Rs.720 per month. Over a period of 5-6 years, the loan with compounded interest accrued to Rs.2,200. A new ring like that one could then be purchased for about Rs.1,100.  My parents must’ve even forgotten the matter by this time.  Anyway, financially it did not make sense to release the ring from the clutches of the moneylender.  However, from my accrued initial savings, I got the ring released, as it was invaluable for mom.  When I surprised mom with the ring, she could not believe it, tears rolled down and she sobbed for quite a while, probably for the unexpected surprise of getting back an invaluable item of sentimental value.

I lost my mother on Akshaya Trithiya, 24 April 2012, exactly two years ago.  When her ornaments were distributed to her children, I preferred to retain just that stone studded ring my dad had given to mom at their wedding.

I was holding that ring today. The Ring started speaking. What the Ring said could hold true for anyone.

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“Parents try their best to bring their children up, within affordable means and facilities available to them. They disciplined, gave pleasure, taught culture according to what they thought was best for you, from their point of view.  It was all selfless and nothing was expected in return.”

The Ring continued to speak:  “Forget not, you are holding your present status mainly due to the support of your parents, for which they pledged their wedding ring and even mangalsutra.  They preferred to remain hungry to ensure that you are fed.

To value the care they had taken, wasn’t it your duty to have spent some more time with them to share and talk about things of their interest? Did you not deprive them of the respect and facilities they deserved, forgetting that they sacrificed all their life for your development?”

The ring was true. I lost my father early in my life.  While my mother was alive, every day, I thought I would shortly be free; retire from my business and spend some time with her.

Occasionally, I probably considered that spending time with parents was unproductive, boring, waste of time and even disgusting.  Sometimes, I probably thought the parents were rigid and argued on matters irrelevant to the present environment.  Why did I get these types of feelings about the people, who spent their whole life to bring me up, educate me and support me in building my career?

They were the ones who were next to me whenever I was ill; they were the ones who sacrificed their desires, just to ensure that my desires get fulfilled.

I probably failed to understand that as my parents were advancing in age, their level of energy and enthusiasm would reduce and they might not catch up with new lifestyle.  I probably failed to give credit that they were more mature, better experienced and have higher understanding, without which they could not have guided me all through my life. I probably failed to appreciate that they had right to feel proud for whatever they have gone through to shoulder the family responsibilities so far. Silly, that I confused that as their ego. I probably had forgotten that they had already proven themselves while I still had to prove myself.

What a wrong notion I carried that I am extra smart.  In fact, my parents sacrificed everything for me and still they honoured and appreciated me for whatever little I did.  Alas, when my turn came to serve and honour them, I missed the golden opportunity to avail the win-win situation. Had I done that I would have lost nothing.  I repent today.

Oh, my dear Mother’s Ring.  Thank you for speaking out.  Let me see whether I can at least express gratefulness to the living elders “for whatever they have done” and show them that “I care for you and your feelings”.

Author: Badri Baldawa

Editor: Meeta Kabra

Affordable Traditions

“This is the marriage season, I will be very busy”, said a neighborhood moneylender. How do weddings make a lender busy?

Did you get it?

Weddings obviously mean business to many like caterers, decorators, jewelers, etc.  We missed out another category of businessmen who look forward to the wedding season – The moneylender.

The affluent lay down certain traditions to show-off their prosperity.  In the process, probably they do not realise the quantum of damage they cause to society.

A practical example.  In our town, at any wedding, the entire community was invited for three full course meals. ‘Sigree noota’ – all the members in every family were on the invite list. This translated to 200-250 people on two of these meals and 400 people for one of them because people from the neighbouring townships were also invited.

Funnily enough, for those who could not attend, a parcel to their home! Obviously, these meals mean a lot of money.  Someone who probably wanted to boast about his wealth must have started this and with time this became tradition.

Those who did not have adequate sources of income, also had to host three meals.  They were worried that if they failed to host 3 meals they would be looked down upon by the community. Their fear was valid.

Whenever invited by the affluent class, even the members of the low income profile families would go for the dinner.  Not attending was considered as an unfriendly act. Once they went, it was understandably difficult to avoid inviting when there was a wedding at their own home – an endless chain.

Think of the amount of harm this tradition caused.  Those who could not afford, borrowed money.  Some sold or pledged their homes to finance the meals.  A few had to convince their wife and daughters-in-law to sell or pledge their ornaments and jewelry.

Obviously, loans from banks was not available for weddings.  Therefore, they had to borrow from private lenders. The maximum amount a moneylender would lend would be about half the value of the property pledged. An additional condition was that if the loan was not repaid before the amount accumulates to the total value of the property, the owner lost his right to the house or the jewelry.  The interest on private borrowing was anything from 24% to 36% (usually monthly compounded) per year.  This means over a period of 2 to 3 years, the amount repayable would double.  In short, within 2-3 years if the loan was not repaid, hard earned pledged items became the lender’s property.

Why? What is the root cause?  Is it just to maintain a tradition in the society? Will the society for whom this has been done come to his rescue? No. Just forget it, they would be busy gossiping!

The irony is it hardly made any difference to the guests, but the host was doomed. It wouldn’t be surprising if, in certain cases, it led to suicides. What is the point of following such traditions? Inspite of knowing the consequences, no one dared to amend or rectify.

Justification : “why should I be the first one to defy tradition?  Let someone else take the blame”.

Solution?

If we can sensibly act.  For example, at my wedding in 1971, we were reasonably better placed financially and could have managed to host 3 meals easily.  For me, this was an opportunity.  I explained the above consequences to my dad.  He was well aware of such unnecessary burden on some people in the community.

I suggested “Kakaji, why not we restrict the wedding celebration by hosting just one dinner? Let us take the blame for curtailing this tradition and the change could save someone”. My dad was in favor of a positive change in the society and he readily agreed.

Yeah, we did it!  We changed over to all-in-ONE dinner for my wedding.  It is almost 43 years since then and this system is followed to date!

This is just an example of one tradition at a wedding.  Sure, there are many other such opportunities at weddings, but the same principle hold good for birthday celebrations, religious ceremonies, anniversary functions, death ceremonies, etc.

Value of return gifts is another classic example.  If you can take a bold lead in curtailing them down, you have done a great service to society. My appeal to youngsters – Enjoy and Celebrate in life. But sensibly, curtail the formal events to the extent everyone in the society can afford.

I have constantly tried over 40 years ‘Take no gifts and give no gifts.” Some firm traditions of giving and accepting gifts have discontinued in the family.  However, I was only partly successful. But you could do better, will you?

Written: Badri Baldawa                                                      Edited: Meeta Kabra

Joint Family Culture – An Experiment:

“Get married, stay independently and live your life.” – A message to all my brothers.  In the 70s, such a statement was considered revolutionary, at least in our Marwari community!

Joint family structure has the advantage of members sharing each others’ responsibility. It also means that all members have equal rights on the total income made in the family, irrespective of the each one’s ability to contribute.

Gradually, with higher education, wider options of living standards, and modern lifestyle, slightest lethargy by any member wasn’t tolerated by those who contributed better to the family, especially financially.  Even things like disparity in number of children and ratio of employed children, decided the status of a person in the family. With this, the ‘let go’ attitude and emotional factors started eroding to a large extent.

This created a class differentiation within a family. For some time they tried to suppress a lot of their individual desires. These suppressions accumulated and in course of time, burst into anger, frictions, and fights within the family.

Obviously, it started creating more conflicts and misunderstandings, ultimately leading to divisions in the family, with bitter arguments.  The joint family concept started eroding at a fast rate. Even the large and absolutely rich brothers amongst  families like Birla-Bangurs, Ambanis could not stay together.

In our own family in 1960s, two sensible, intelligent and experienced ladies would start fighting for no reason. We ultimately split but there was a surprise pleasant discovery for me.  After the division, the grudges between the two women disappeared very fast. Love and affection got prime importance, once again.  One wanted to help the other, even if it meant going out of way.

I learnt a lesson.  It is better to keep a little distance to maintain good relations.

I was about 27 years old when my dad passed away. I have 6 brothers and 4 sisters (3 unmarried at that time). If my dad’s family stayed together, we would’ve been about 25-30 members under one roof – each, obviously with their independent opinion.  Even if there were cordial relations, a divide amongst brothers would’ve been eventually, unavoidable.

The question then was if one should wait till misunderstandings develop, then fight and separate? I therefore thought, it was definitely better to stay separate from the beginning, well before frictions develop and thus retain the love and affection between the family members.

I resolved that I should take my father’s responsibility to educate, support and set-up my brothers to a stage, from where they can lead their own life. My aim was for every brother to have his independence in running his family.  At the same time there should be cordial relation, love, and affection amongst us. It was a challenge for me to devise the right formula.

It was easier for rich and industrialist families to resolve this: Divide the assets; give each of them nice places to stay; allocate enough finance and provide a base to carry on business for their future.  But the reality were different for me.  Assets were zero, bank balance zero, properties zero and the business, a big zero too.

However I was determined to go with my philosophy to the best of my abilities.

  • Accept responsibility. In the absence of my father, fulfilling my own requirements would not be my priority, till I complete my responsibilities towards educating and settling my brothers and marrying my sisters.
  • Prefer a job over business. Given my situation, limited but assured income was better than having own business where income might be larger but uncertain.
  • It would be in everyone’s interest that I draw a line until which I should shoulder my brothers’ responsibilities. I should support till they get married and have a house of their own. Thereafter each brother should stay independently and live their own life.
  • Initially since all of them might not have enough funds to buy a house, to those who need,  I would extend them financial support to the extent it was possible for me.  Any financial help would be a loan. This was so that they respect the value of money and so that they and their children could say it is ‘our own house’ instead of ‘tauji’s house’.
  • Since a home is an essential, to avoid undue financial burden in the initial stages of carrier, the loan would be interest free.

With the implementation of the above, every one was forced to realise his responsibility and be prepared to standby for anyone who needed help. There were hardly any arguments between brothers or their families.  Every one was at liberty to decide what is best for their individual family, without any interference from others.

In today’s lifestyle, even two married brothers staying together may not be practical. When I look back today, “once married, stay independently” was the right way to go between brothers. I am happy that my decision wasn’t proven wrong.

Written: Badri Baldawa                         Edited:  Meeta Kabra